Friday, April 30, 2004

it was a terrible day. i was pissed like practically the whole day. some things cropped up this morning and i was pissed at nth. just felt stupid. like my effort had gone to waste. (1. i gave away sth tt was meant for someone i care abt. 2. i threw away the note tt was supposed to go along with tt sth..) felt really retarded. seriously. i dunno y u have the ability to make me feel tt way.

it got worse in the afternoon. he got pissed at me. yah.. maybe it's my fault. the thing abt saying things halfway and leaving things hanging in mid air. yea, tts me and maybe u shld learn to come to terms with tt. i was sorry, and i really meant it when i apologized. it was only till ltr when i found out tt he was actually being sarcastic abt the whole episode. maybe cheated is too strong a word, but yea.. tts how i feel. i'm selfish.. i dun want any pain. cuz i'm sick and tired of it. maybe u're right.. maybe i was nv happy in the first place..

i dun wanna feel the pain in my heart. i dun wanna cry cuz it hurts so much. i dun wanna feel this way. maybe i need to get away..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 12:54:00 AM

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

been floating ard sch the whole day. well.. y? cuz i'm sick again? (and yah?? i just recovered last wk??!! thanks to SOMEBODY for passing the germs to me! :P) been dozing off in classes the whole day. :( nothing interesting happened today. oh.. poor pris got hit in the face by flor's ball, it is really swollen and she looks real bad... poor tigger.. hope she recovers soon.. so scary.. i must learn to be fearless.. if i get whacked, it'll be for a gd cause. yupz! (i must be mad.. hahaa)
we've been attracting alot of attention. (thanks for the soccer guys.. who loves to stare) my teammates who will giggle like mad when they spot him.. things like tt.. and yah.. news spread really fast.. quite amazed.. if only we're both low profile like yuf and chris, then we wun invite stares, whispers, giggles and whatsoever when we're together.. hahaa.. though sometimes it can be quite funny.. yah.. but yah i guess i dun really care.. just like being with him.. tts all tt matters..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:59:00 PM

Monday, April 26, 2004

Right Here Waiting
Richard Marx

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

this song suddenly came to me today.. maybe cuz of all the 'waiting' going ard me.. this song is for all u out there waiting.. nothing to blog abt.. just sick. again..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 9:13:00 PM

Sunday, April 25, 2004

woke up with a sore throat, neckache and swollen eyes.. sometimes i dun have a choice, i cant take care of myself. sorry to all those who cares alot abt me. i can't even try now..

looked thru our pics last nite, brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. it hurts. really badly. i realised tt he has nv gone away. perhaps it was a mistake to do tt, but i finally realised how much i miss him. haven't cried in so much pain b4. this is the first time.. i miss the days when he'll wipe away my tears when i cry then proclaiming tt it's so cute to be able to do tt.. now i know i've got to wipe the tears away by myself.. dun give me options, i can't afford to make the decisions..

ph: thanks for being so sweet to me. thanks for the drink, it's really nice. thanks for cheering my up when i'm down. i really appreciate everything single thing u have done for me.. but my heart is torn and i have no idea what to do now. it's gonna take a long while..

wait- it is a long and painful process. u'll be in pain everytime u hear her talk abt him. and u have no idea when ur love will be reciprocated. u're not the the only one in pain, she feels it too. cuz she wun be able to love u the way u love her.. the timing is just off.. and it's too late for regrets..

tmr is my math ct, i can't concentrate at all.. too many things on my mind.. hope i dun fail.. sigh..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 12:43:00 PM

Saturday, April 24, 2004

match against mi today, we drew 0-0. we played well. shld have won but their aim was to make it a draw, so they put like 6 or 7 players in the D. there is absolutely no space to send the ball in. plus the fact tt the referee is damn biased!!! feel like punching him! wat an arse. i'm sure we can do better. come on girls, we can do it!!
was quite worked up after the match, but yah.. felt better after a while. had lunch and movie with him. starsky and hutch is a damn boring show. pls dun watch it! sucks. it's really bad.. hahaa.. enjoyed the ride home though..
i think i've caught a cold.. this is terrible!! hope i will recover soon. :)

'i wanna hold u when u need to be held.. but i'm afraid things will change after tt.. u too dun need the extra distractions"

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:12:00 PM

Friday, April 23, 2004

cheerleading was great though we screwed up some parts. got third! yeah.. took quite alot of pics. shall upload them soon.. soon.. ahhaa.. oh yah! hockey girls won 4x100 relay!! good one!! tmr will be our 2nd match.. hope we'll play better this time round! :)
spent more time together today. i like things the way they are now.. yeap.. i guess the whole sch is speculating abt us now but yah.. i dun really care wat they think or say.. most importantly, we're happy. and tts all tt matters.. :)

to you: i'm worried abt u yah.. take care of urself.. meet ya soon..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:01:00 PM

haven't been sleeping early these days. u know why. :P and i haven't been studying too. too many distractions.. sigh..tmr will mark the end of my stupid cheerleading career(which i dun give a damn abt) and yah.. the start of my mugging days.(i'm really determined! aahaa.. i hope..)
past few days have been great. cuz of hockey, friends and yah.. some pple.. some things.. yeap (ahaha..) been seeing each other more often. guess tts cuz he tries to make time for me n yah, the extent he will go to just to spend a little more time with me. mab thinks tt i shld give him a definite answer.. i know i shld too, then we wouldn't be feeling weird over some stuff now.. but i dun think i'll be able to love anyone the way i love bernard.. i need more time..
can't have the best of both worlds.. tts wat i've learnt..
i'm worried abt alot of stuff.. like al dear.. pls take care of urself. i'm seriously worried. promise yea? i can't be happy like this.. also.. ya.. family probs.. hope everything will blow over soon.. (ber: i'll let u know if anything happens.. yea.. ) and many other things.. i guess i caught his disease.. becoming a huge worrier.. ahhaa..
seriously shld sleep.. damn tired..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 12:15:00 AM

Monday, April 19, 2004

we won. 7-0. however we din play very well though. felt really lousy after the whole thing. i guess it's PMS. damn.. my left heel has been hurting since this morning. and it got worse after the match. hurts when i put my wt on it. sigh.. maybe it's time to get my life back on track. so when i start to isolate myself, dun be surprised ya. it's merely an attempt to get in touch with my inner self. i just need to be left alone.
matters of the heart are better left unsaid. yea.. i guess it's true..
woke up early just to make breakfast for the impt pple in my life. :) glad they enjoyed it.. (think it'll be a long time till i do tt again.. hahaa..)
he gave me sth. so sweet of him. :)
it's the small things in life that makes it beautiful.. :)

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:45:00 PM

Sunday, April 18, 2004

our concepts of time have changed. it is no longer constant. :) if u get wat i mean. not gonna elaborate..
tried to study with him today. bad choice. ahaha! like yufee said, it's almost impossible to concentrate. so.. yufee is gonna study with me, and him with chris! ahhaahah! talking crap. i think i'll be able to concentrate, just not in the mood today. :)
i am happy to be with him. it's so ez to forget abt everything else. but it's not tt i'm evading all the problems at hand. if u wud understand.. yeah..
tmr is the start of the hockey season. looking forward to it. we'll play well.. yupz! go girls! he is not gonna come support us, cuz of the stupid soccer match. :P whatever. ahaha! wats the big deal abt soccer. :PPPPPPP hockey rox!!

my resolution: be nice to the pple i love.. :)

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:48:00 PM

Saturday, April 17, 2004

time passes by really quickly when you're happy. seemed like we've spent the entire day together talking abt nothing in particular, just enjoying each other's company. i know this is a luxury cuz time is so precious to us. quite glad he din have to train today! ahaha.. he sent me to tanglin for trg. i revised all the patterns i'm supposed to know. hope i can rmb all of them.. i better be able to pass my grading.. :) oh.. and there's still cheerleading tmr.. yawn.. seriously tired..

i'm sorry i can't spend time with u but yah i'll try to be here for u..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 12:42:00 AM

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I NEED TO STAY FOCUSED! yupz! feeling quite aimless again. wats wrong with me.. sigh..
hm.. he bought me musli bars cuz he's afraid i'll get gastric pains after training again.. so sweet.. hm.. quite a number of pple found out abt this already, all thanks to my dear friend (u know who u are..) for publicizing for us! ahaha..

hm.. if it was in the past, yah i wud have felt more than wat i'm feeling now. u din believe me when i was serious. yah.. so i decided to let things pass. well.. i hope u'll be happy. at least soon..

tired. dun wanna think abt things...

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:25:00 PM

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

The Corrs- Hopelessly addicted
Opened my eyes today
And i knew there's sth different
Saw you in a brand new way
Like the clouds had somehow lifted
And if yesterday i heard
Myself saying these words
I would swear it was a lie

I dunno why but suddenly i'm falling
was i so blind
i was loving you all the time
now i'm hopelessly addicted
helplessly attracted

din go to sch today. finished the stupid econs essay i was made to do cuz i din do my work. stupid bernard low.
found myself thinking of him most of the time. found myself looking out for him most of the time. anyway met him today, for a short while. he looked so gd. :)
met aly for dinner, he sent me home. brother! u're damn nice lar.. :) dun blush k! ahahaa... stay happy pls.. glad i managed to cheer u up. :)

Posted by sil3ntrain at 3:14:00 PM

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

seems tt my mood has been going uphill and downhill and up again.. i'm happy again. i hope this will last. 1stly: thanks aly my dear brother who is so sweet and nice. he bought me this bag we saw at surfbabes. yah! totally din expect tt.. thanks dear.. my darling mabelle, cenwei n huishan who were there for me when i needed it. yupz. and yufee too, for giving me advice(for once.. ahhah!) and most importantly, everything is cleared up. yah, talked abt it last nite. my conclusion is not out yet. actually there's nothing to it. yah.. let nature take its course i guess. he did sth really sweet. din expect him to do anything considering tt he's such a blockhead. hahaa.. but yupz..
watched remember the titans with the team. it's damn nice! yah.. tournament starts next mon. go girls! we can do it!
having gastric pains, stupid me din eat.. i forgot.. now i gotta suffer.. maybe i wun go to sch tmr. haha.. quite determined not to.. :)
i hope i'll be really happy and i wun regret this..

imagine me and u, i do. i think about u day and night, it's only right. to think about the girl u love and hold her tight. so happy together...

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:29:00 PM

Monday, April 12, 2004

love is not supposed to be so painful. u're not the only one feeling this way. just when i bare my heart out to u, u gotta say stuff tt make me regret my choice. sorry doesn't work. and i'm regretting tt things even came this far. cuz i should nv have fallen in love with u. yah.. i do, now u know but so wat? it doesn't matter to u anymore. thanks for making it so fucking painful. i dun not give a damn.
i din think u'd make me cry, but u did, and it's not the first time this happened
fuck

Posted by sil3ntrain at 1:40:00 PM

Sunday, April 11, 2004

ber: u nv fail to make me smile when we meet. i hope u realise how impt u are. tt will never change. i know i can always count on u. i will always love u.. whatever way it is..
bernie dear accompanied me to the doc to get my cyst removed. was quite scared. gd thing he came with me.. finally it's done. now there's a hole on my face! ahhaa.. wun be any scar, as long as i do anything to it. yeah!! gonna plaster it when i go to sch. bought cute plasters! bernie dear bought me new looney tunes plasters! gonna use it tmr!!

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:05:00 PM

i can't be happy juz cuz u're not gonna remind me of there being an us. if it's so ez for me to let go, i wun be crying everytime i think of u, my heart wun be aching when i hear ur voice.. it hurts damn badly..
dun ask me things i'm uncertain of, i have no answers for u, i can't even answer myself..
i'm wallowing in misery, so much tt i forgot i can actually be happy..

i can..

can i?

Posted by sil3ntrain at 12:56:00 AM

Friday, April 09, 2004

i'm supposed to be happy, yet i'm feeling all the pain..
went out with aly, had fun walking ard, talking abt our lives our probs. thanks for all the advice k.. really appreciate it.
then had dinner with mab. haha! girl! we're really alike, we think the same way too! anyway.. follow ur heart, be happy.. (guess it applies to me as well.. sigh) there are just too many complications. no matter wat choice i make, someone will be hurt..
if only things are tt simple.. if only.. sigh..
really tiring. if the weather changes like how my mood does, the weather man will be out of job..
what issit i want!! i'm having that floating sensation again.. am i going to die??

Posted by sil3ntrain at 1:10:00 PM

went for training! though i'm still coughing really badly but i had fun. love trainings, though i was feeling quite crappy. yupz! got our jerseys and stuff already! yeah!! quite happy..
i guess i'm hard to understand, cuz i dun even know wat exactly i want. and yah. maybe i expect too much. if only love can last forever. the passion will nv die out. it will always feel just like when u first fell in love.. the feeling will nv fade.. sigh.. tt wun happen..
my indecisiveness has once again got me into trouble again. feeling guilty, sad, lost, confused and yet happy at the same time. i must be mad..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 12:20:00 AM

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

exasperated
yuf and chris are so happily in love. he likes her a lot, can tell from the way he 'glows' when he talks abt her. so jealous.. sigh.. i wanna be in love too!! i dun wanna feel the way i do now.. so exasperating!!! been discussing 'affairs of the heart' w yuf these days. seriously, y are guys so passive nowadays? u can't expect the girls to make everything clear to u rite?! if you had brains, u wud have gotten the hint or anything at all.. apparently u dun have any of tt grey matter. sigh..
i like the feeling of being in love. all the surprises, the sweet things he'll do(if he's romantic enough), all the nice things he'll say and everything. it's like you'll always be looking out for tt someone but when he appears u'll pretend not to notice.. so stupid!! shall not say anymore.
conclusion: liking someone is a waste of time. esp if tt person is a blockhead. :P
-->i'm gonna be a les! anyone interested in me?? :(
4get it.. u can't give me wat i want.. so i'd rather be a nun.
haha! it rhymes!!

Posted by sil3ntrain at 6:04:00 PM

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

i'm recovering fast. feeling much better today. cuz i'm quite happy. :) been smiling and grinning the whole day.. my close friends will know y. ahha! yufee bought flowers for christine today! so sweet... i feel so happy for them.. so xing4 fu2. ahha.. din expect him to do sth like tt. well.. he's juz so.. boring and dead. (dun kill me yuf!) he's not romantic at all! but this time, he really surprised me n the rest of us! way to go boy!! ahhaa.. this is wat love is about, it brings a smile to ur face everytime u think abt tt someone, so sweet and nice.. arhz.. ahhaa.. i'm crazy.. allalalalaaaa.. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Posted by sil3ntrain at 9:00:00 PM

Monday, April 05, 2004

i'm sick. juz took my temp. 39.0 deg. i hope i'll die. i hope no one bothers. -mabelle, be happy when i'm finally gone ok? no one to make u walk ard sch in the morning. everyone has been nagging me to go see a doc. i was planning to, until ms rajan made me go do this photoshoot in the sci tech lab, had to pretend to be a mad scientist, wasted 2 hours of my life. hm.. but it was quite fun towards the end, hope the photos turn out gd.
somebody is really stupid. like a block of wood. u know who u are. sometimes it's not juz abt wat u feel ok! i feel like i'm transparent, some brainless freak who can be manipulated by wat others think, do or say.
can't wait to die. u wun be able to stop me if i really want to. so go away.
i finally know y nice guys seldom get their girls. cuz they are simply too nice. reason: they think too much, worry too much, they calculate risk, fear rejection. and wat happens next? the girl they like will juz 'poof' and 'walaa'- vanish into thin air. sometimes being nice is not enough. who still believes in tt 'if u love someone, let him/her go' tt is sth really stupid. time to wake up! be proactive!! (bro, u belong to tt cat.. hahahaa...)

stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by sil3ntrain at 6:25:00 PM

Sunday, April 04, 2004

something a friend said made me feel damn guilty. though i dun show it, u guys are constantly on my mind ok. some things dun have to be said, juz hope u understand. sorry.. it's my fault..
hm.. sometimes i guess pple confuse friendship with love. maybe. i dunno. to pple out there who thinks tt u like someone, dun rush into things too fast, cuz it may juz be a crush or sth.. love takes time. if u grow to like someone, then tt person is the one u really will and do love. maybe tts the problem with me.. i can't comprehend love..
i'm sick.. having a terrible sore throat and a running nose. have a feeling it's gonna be real bad tmr.. sorry, but i juz can't take care of myself. i've been trying really hard, i guess i'm juz too weak. i dun need anyone to take care of me, i need to stand up on my own.. i need no one..
fairy tales are beautiful, but sadly, they dun always happen.. your fairytale will go on cuz u're a prince, it doesn't matter if i belong in it, as long as u're happy, i dun need any fairytale..

-terribly sick and confused-

Posted by sil3ntrain at 5:05:00 PM

Saturday, April 03, 2004

slacked again. went to watch movie with panghao. then went down to see sir and watch the others train. haven't seen him for so long. he convinced me to go for training again. so i'm most prob gonna get my black belt b4 end of this yr. and yah.. will go for instructor course and maybe help him with the classes.. i miss players' trg, miss everyone. heard from sir tt alot of them dun go down, feeling guilty cuz i'm one of 'them'.. so.. i'm going back.. must try to manage my time well.. yupz..
i think i'm gonna fall sick. having a migraine, throat feels bad, nose too.. damn.. must be cuz i ran home in the rain yesterday.. y am i so weak.. sniff* i need someone to take care of me.. cuz i suck at looking after myself. :(

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:41:00 PM

Friday, April 02, 2004

i guess i'm seriously damn tired. haven't been getting enough sleep. supposed to go run after sch today. but it was damn hot,a dn i had no one to run with me. ended up teaching wong and zq chem. haha.. the weather these days are damn unpredictable. it began pouring when i was on my way home. fell asleep, missed the usual stop. got stuck at the busstop and i gotta walk home in the rain. so spas.
Passion of The Christ is gd. i cried throughout the whole movie(most of the parts). Jesus is great i must say. go thru all the pain and torture for the people who dun even believe in him.. He did so much for us.. sniff*
bought 2 tops! not enough time to shop. ahaha. must go shopping some time next wk! :)

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:02:00 PM

Thursday, April 01, 2004

it's the TIME of the month again. sucks.. feeling really crappy. at least i din get cramps.. :) been frowning the whole morning. feeling tired and irritated. skipped gp, slept in rr. :( tired.. enjoying my strawberry soy desert now.. nice.. nothing really exciting happened today. while chatting during trg, tian brought up sth. shadn't say wat issit cuz i dun think it's true. it'll be quite embarrassing if pple blow things up.. so sheesh..
stupid cenwei dun wanna go shopping anymore. nvm.. after my run i shall go do some shopping b4 i meet bernie. hopefully i'll be able to find someone to run with me...