Sunday, February 29, 2004

felt really slack today. in no mood to do anything. can't concentrate at all. i guess i'm really exhausted, after mugging continuously for like.. a month? yeah.. econs ct coming up. i really wanna drop. can't stand it anymore.. alot of pple think i'm mad cuz my grades are like wow and i'm actually thinking of dropping. hate econs. went to watch big fish with ber instead of aly. sorry aly.. yupz.. make up another day. :) but anyway.. the show wasn't gd. tts wat i think. dun watch it. ahha! ber n i tried to study today.. but we gave up. more like i gave up after like less than 30 mins. i din even complete any question! and now i'm back to slacking again. i look really haggard, need more rest. my eyebags are HUGE! arhz.. and there's still the stupid FOTY finals this thurs.. though it's dumb but i dun wanna look gross on stage. ahah! help me!!!
sian.. tmr is the start of another wk, gotta copy econs tut or i'll be exiled AGAIN.. ahaha!

Posted by sil3ntrain at 9:19:00 PM

Saturday, February 28, 2004

chem test was a sucker. period.
had match against vs 'c' boys.. lost.. as usual, i'm not happy with my performance. must work harder.. talked abt alot of stuff after trg. abt how we feel abt the team.. i'm happy abt the team, abt being part of the team, din realise tt there are actually pple who are feeling bitter abt some stuff. actually i think it's juz tt particular someone.. shall not name names. thing is, sometimes it's not other pple's fault tt u dun feel welcomed, u gotta make tt effort to take the 1st step out, to reach out to pple instead of complaining tt we lack team spirit. the spirit is there, stop pushing the blame onto others and make everyone feel miserable along with u. shall not talk abt tt..
anyway.. we've decided to get a hockey table! for us all to hang out whenever we're free, during breaks, b4 assembly and stuff.. it is now at the wooden benches outside the gym.. but we have plans to take over the hocker corner. ahaha! we're gonna KOP it! yeah.. chase the stupid guys away..
ok.. tired.. yawn*

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:32:00 PM

Friday, February 27, 2004

wat am i doing w my life? seriously? quite lost now.. i wonder wat exactly am i doing. been skipping so darn many lectures and stuff.. i'm screwing up my life but i dun care.. chem ct tmr but guess wat i'm doing? slacking! juz so tired and sick of mugging.. and our dear alywin still dun need to take the CT cuz of his broken thumb. idiot!
i'm juz so mentally and physically exhausted. to think ber thought i'm strong.. he's so wrong.. i'm not strong, i'm juz not showing my weakness. but i'm so tired.. really tired and sick of everything..

i need your shoulders, to rest my tired head..
i need your support, to give me strength to go ahead..
i need your embrace, to protect me from the cold..
i need your kisses, to heal my battered soul..
i need you.. but will you be there?

Posted by sil3ntrain at 4:01:00 PM

Thursday, February 26, 2004

i was unstable (according to bang) and highly reactive.. but not anymore.. everything is fine i guess. i'm ok. there are so many things in my life now and i'm so damn occupied tt i dun have the excess time or energy to think abt stuff. CT are killing me.. chem CT is 2 days away.. hope i'll do well. quite surprised by my grades. it's a pleasant surprise.. ahhaa! i'm a smart girl. stop saying tt i'm stupid k! got hit by flor's ball yesterday. there's this bruise on my rt knee now.. ouch.. so damn tired.. training so many times a wk.. so worn out.. i'm dying..
yk is back, wonder how things are gonna be now.. he bought me sth, asked to meet. hope things wun be tt awkward when i see him.. sigh..

some pple do change but i haven't..
i guess things will nv be the same again..
do u even bother?

Posted by sil3ntrain at 3:19:00 PM

Monday, February 23, 2004

in sch now. waiting for the dreadful pe to start. i only gotta report then go home. can't believe i'm waiting 3 periods juz 4 tt.. heard alot of stuff abt some pple i know (or pple i thought i know) feel really cheated. can't stand pple who cheat my feelings when i truly believe and place trust in them. brought back memories.. some pple are juz not worth believing. pissed and sad at the same time.. it's juz not worth it.
cried in sch, felt like an idiot, looked like one too. thanks to bang 4 tt.. actually it's not his fault.. i'm juz thinking too much. it has nothing to do with him at all.. but tt guy doesn't know how to be nice AT ALL! convinced tt he's an idiot. think i'm kinda disconnected up there. yufee is even funnier.. he asked me wats my horoscope when i was crying.. he's worse than me! then made the stupid comment tt capricorns are supposed to be strong.. ahhaha!
NOT GONNA CRY AGAIN!!!! --- i bet i will break tt vow.. blehaz..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 2:12:00 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2004

'they say love hides behind every corner. Then i must be walking in circles. Tomorrow, i will walk in octagon. I wanna find you behind every corner..."

' My heart is hidden in the circles. All along you have been standing on love.."

christine said tt my blogs are always sad.. i think tts cuz i've been trying so hard to make others happy that i'm left with nothing but pain and sorrow..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 6:33:00 PM

Saturday, February 21, 2004

maths CT SUX!! FOTY SUX! had to listen to zurong talk so much shit, he's a NAGGER.. went on and on abt how we shld pose, walk and all the crap. can't believe him.. wasted 2 hours listening to him talk shit.. had fun complaining abt the rehearsal with vic avril shawn and pple.. jealous, cw? ahaha..
caught something's gotta give with him. to all those pple who haven't fall in love b4 - watch it. to those who have- watch it too.. sometimes u may juz fall in love with someone u thought u'll nv like. it'z amazing how tt happens. dun be afraid to love him/her, dun live to regret it. feeling so in love after the show.. so nice.. :)

Posted by sil3ntrain at 9:39:00 PM

Friday, February 20, 2004

realised sth.. you3 xie1 shi2 hou4, ji1 hui4 yi2 dan4 cuo4 guo4 le4, jiu4 wu2 fa2 wan3 hui2.. dun hesitate to tell someone tt u love him or her, cuz u nv know when they will go away.. from huang cheng, one of my lines: bu2 yao4 deng3 dao4 ren2 zou3 le4 yi3 hou4 cai2 lai2 hou4 hui3, zhe4 yang4 lian2 shuo1 dui4 bu4 qi3 de3 ji1 hui4 dou1 mei2 you3, dong3 ma1?

suddenly missing huang cheng, miss diya , miss et, miss hammie, miss all the crap we used to do, miss singing our songs, miss our pai xi area, miss pai xi, miss changing at the stairs, miss yuning and bb.. sigh..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:40:00 PM

Thursday, February 19, 2004

i'm not performing.. this is bad.. need to train harder. sigh.. spent the whole afternoon doing maths with aly disturbing me. note: dun study with him again. ahaha! we're training 3 days consecutively. tues wed and today.. btw i ponned sch today. going for trg later. too tired..
felt so lost after trg yesterday. missing him. heard one of our songs on radio, can't stop crying. can't stop thinking of him and of wat happened btn us.. all the memories are still fresh in my head.. it is so hard for me.. how can i let go?

i gave u the key to my heart, now it's locked up and there's no way i can bare it to another soul again..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 12:48:00 PM

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

somehow pple think tt my life is perfect. everything is in place. i'm always smiling, always happy.. is tt really so? u juz dun understand.. 'i'm juz waiting to die', can't believe my friend actually laughed when i said tt.. if u only understand how hard is it for me to put on this facade everyday, till it seems so real to even myself..
apparently, my previous entry is quite misleading, sounds like i'm giving yk a chance or sth.. i'll have to find some way to reject him.. i find it so hard to reject pple.. can't bear to hurt their feelings.. but 1 thing is for sure, i dun think i'll ever like him.. sigh..

when will i love again?

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:25:00 PM

Monday, February 16, 2004

3rd blog today.. so many thoughts.. but well.. cuz i dun wanna do maths.. ahah! thinking abt some stuff.. abt pple fearing rejection.. thus they dun dare to try.. if u dun try, u'll nv know wats the outcome.. dun u think so? but wat if the outcome is sth u dun wanna face.. can u pretend tt nothing happened?? deep in thoughts..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:15:00 PM

these days, i'm always cold.. as in literally.. always shivering.. suits me perfectly? turning into a cold heartless person.. maybe u shld realise tt i do need warmth. wish tt there's someone to hug me.. to reassure me.. been going ard hugging pple.. but when will i get a hug from someone.. i'm not tt strong, if u'd realise... if u only do realise... broke my vow to stop crying again..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 6:27:00 PM

hm.. wat shld i start with.. vdae's over.. this yr's vdae is a little special. spent it with mab and diong.. they are soooOoo nice.. i love them to pieces.. thanks mabelle who's always there when i need her. always cheering me up when i feel really down. listen to me talk in the horrible voice when i'm crying.. yah.. i love u girl.. went shopping for presents. panghao is sweet.. gave me a rose and a 'cup'. yah.. yikai wanted to take me out for dinner but i din tell him i was free. went for xy's bbq.. it was quite a failure but everything felt so nice. the beach is damn nice at nite.. it's so romantic.. felt happy and sad at the same time..
watched cold mountain with aly. nice show.. got me thinking.. wat exactly are u waiting for.. hm.. oh aly is quite sweet too.. dropped this paper rose into my bag.. haha. thanks anyway. it's really nice..
cried again last nite.. thinking of him, abt my life, my family.. i thought i've moved on.. but i guess some stuff will nv change, some pain will nv go away.. not gonna think anymore.. i hope i can do it..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 5:51:00 PM

Friday, February 13, 2004

social nite was damn boring.. i felt like some walking exhibit. all i need to do was smile and pose. couldn't wait to get home.. yikai tried to entertain me the whole nite. yah.. got a nice little bouquet frm him. tts abt all.. if there are other stuff u shld know.. u will. if u dun, dun probe. yeah.. i'm a poor sick confused girl. so pls dun give me more probs.. sigh..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:17:00 PM

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

going for the ocs thingy in less than an hour's time. and my flu killing me! arhz.. help me!!! yikai tt pig juz told me tt it's semi formal. and he even made me put on make up. seriously dunno y women will use makeup.. dun u think it's so troublesome? for me it's VERY troublesome.. my nose is feeling even worse with all the stupid powder on my face.. iYOhz.. but nvm.. ahhaa i'm pretty so it's ok! :) juz kidding lar! i hate heels too.. shall try to find something comfortable from my mum's shoe rack.. :)

Posted by sil3ntrain at 6:22:00 PM

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

frustrated. pissed at myself, at the pple ard me, at everything! arhz.. i'm down with a freaking flu and i got a date with yikai tmr. cross country is this sat and wth, i take ages to recover! i kept pissing pple off. so much tt i can't be bothered anymore. i suck. y do pple even bother abt wat i think or say when they think tt i dun have a mind of my own. fine! so i've been reduced to this ugly, short mindless freak with brains the size of peas! arhz! i'm better off dead..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:24:00 PM

Sunday, February 08, 2004

i juz realised tt i've been deluding myself. it's me who's living in the state of denial. i can't face up to reality. it's too hard for me to take. happiness is sth i can nv get hold of. it slips thru my hands like sand. the harder i try to hold on to it, the more i lose. it has been like tt a long time ago.. maybe i shld stop trying.. cuz it seems tt i'm making things hard for everyone. 'u're selfish', my intentions all went down the drain.. if it makes u feel better, i rather be the selfish one..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:26:00 PM

Saturday, February 07, 2004

hands. they come in different sizes, different shapes and different feel. babies will juz grab anything their little hands come into contact with. they nv fail to make me wanna hold them, pull them close, protect them. well.. who doesn't want to be held, to bask in the love and warmth of another? it's so hard to pull away.. cuz i crave for tt affection. it makes me feel wanted, loved and important.. who doesn't?
maybe i need to realise tt some pple need it more than others. maybe i'm not giving enough in return. maybe..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:51:00 PM

Friday, February 06, 2004

so many things on my mind now. i can't think clearly. confusion must be the next terrible thing to tt 4 letter word known as love. everyone yearns for the care and concern of others but y must we confine ourselves and tie each other down and limit ourselves. can't we be more selfless? can't this love be shared? my mind is all messed up. i'm being tossled and thrown all over the place. my life is in the amber now, wat do i do, go ahead and risk crashing or stop right there? state of in between-isn't it juz a state of denial? a state where we choose not to face up to reality? the lights are changing, so where am i going?

Posted by sil3ntrain at 3:12:00 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2004

ok! cramps kept me up all night. couldn't sleep. and the buttache made it worse cuz i can't turn ard. it was dreadful.. looked like crap, felt like crap and i still gotta try to force out a smile for the photographer cuz of tt stupid face of the yr thingy. bleahz.. thanks to my wonderful classmates who saboed me, nominated by them.. oh.. tts juz abt me.. poor alywin, the self proclaimed cute boy/ macho man once again made his busted knees worse. haha poor him was limping ard the sch. sooo funny. recover soon k! and stop trying to make it heal faster, cuz ur methods dun work. damn funny guy, crappy lame and all tt of cuz.. vs thingy i suppose.. i've decided to pon sch tmr.. haha! thanks to aly again, got me into the ponning mood. oh no! ahhaa.. but well. gd time to rest. need to recharge.. yawn! bang is sort of sick, first time see him so like kelian.. ahaha.. so i thought.. but his niaoing power din diminish lar.. couldn't train today cuz i realised i can't even push. my butt nerve is killing me. b4 training started, my wonderful juniors were saying sth like " CHERYL!! realise tt u're actually not FLAT." best huh? wonderful juniors i must say.. ahhaa! damn funny..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 11:17:00 PM

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

ok! it's PMS! arhz.. and IT IS HERE! having really terrible cramps! arhz.. and oh yah.. i pulled my butt muscle! how wonderful! can't even walk properly. and i made it worse after trying to stretch. was bearing with the pain througoht the match. sigh.. so wat.. it's cramps plus butt ache! arhz.. match- cresent is gd. seriously. i did badly. felt really bad. wei was really nice, been encouraging me. if not i think i wud have broke down. the pressure is on us to perform. team is not confirmed. seet is kicking pple out.. i'll try my best.. in a really crappy mood now... arhz... i wanna die..

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:25:00 PM

Monday, February 02, 2004

hm.. i finally sort of finish reading my stupid phy notes.. sigh.. common tests sux to the core. slacked the whole afternoon. ok.. last night was really mad. guess it's PMS! arhz.. no! it means tt the big M is coming. arhz.. cried for no apparent reason. but felt better after tt. thanks aly, for cheering me up. really helped. thanks k! hm.. yikai wants me to attend the ocs social nite with him. bern was damn funny, din want me to go. it's personal. yeah.. but anyway.. i'm not really interested in spending one whole night sitting there with a whole bunch of pple i dunno. hate functions. hm.. shld i go? confused.. anyway.. feeling kinda sick. a little feverish and stuff. hope it'll go away. match against cresent tmr. can't wait.. :)

Posted by sil3ntrain at 10:16:00 PM

back frm the og steamboat bbq outing. 13 turned up. DAMN SIAN!! nv been to any more shibai outing b4.. din enjoy myself AT ALL.. i was like sulking the whole time. din talk much. anyway.. am i supposed to be very noisy and loud? y can't i juz be quiet and serious? can't pple juz accept tt side of me? can't i juz be myself? i am wat i am. stop making me the way u want me to be! i juz wanna be myself!!!!!!!!!